Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Let me take you back to Day 1 and the Rules

The Rules. I've reread that first piece and worked out that since then (2 weeks ago) I have drunk approximately 6 gallons of wine. I have, however, blogged when possible so I will award myself a respectable 5 out of 10. Now for the tough one. The drinking.

I have no ambitions to abstain from drinking altogether. I did that once, about 8 years ago, as an experiment. I lasted 15 months and frankly they were the dullest 15 months of my life. I read a lot, and embroidered six cushion covers but I felt as if I'd aged 20 years and lost my best friend. I really missed the girl who got pissed on Tequila, lost her footing and fell out of the boat and into the sea. I missed the girl who was always the first on the Bucking Bronco at the party. I missed our private Wine and Cheese Appreciation Society meetings at the kitchen table when Darling was sitting through another repeat of Miss Marple.

Eventually, one day I felt like a gin and tonic, with a slice of lime, so I had one. Every atom in my body cheered when I swigged at that gin and whilst I suspect I have only had, perhaps, 10 gin and tonics since then (all on one evening funnily enough, with a former editor of The Scotsman who doesn't drink gin either) and my atoms are still cheering. Well, all except the ones in my liver who are a bit taciturn. They remind me of my husband's Grandmother in many ways.

I also gave up booze for Lent last year but I only survived three weeks. Who would have thought forty days could last so long? Jesus!

So new rules. Louis, who has recently become elevated to high ranking status in the best friends hierarchy has suggested cutting down. He insists that this is not a criticism, but an appeal for a fill up in the fuel tank of self worth. He thinks that getting sloshed evey night and not eating properly just to see if anyone notices or cares is possibly a bit daft and rather like stretching a piece of elastic to see when it breaks. It will break, and then you will have some broken elastic.

Bloody hell, Darling is ordering a curry on the telephone right behind me, shouting. 'Madrasi Murgh - fairly hot'. I have to go and do a bit of GBH, and then pour myself a large glass of Vin de Pays. Except that I can't drink wine with curry - it has to be lager. Oh well, no curry for me then. Or maybe it really is time to pull the elastic that is me, together.

20 comments:

  1. How nice to read oneself so elegantly rephrased. I note that you still have more followers than me, even though I have resorted to ladies with little on.

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  2. Hi there. Enjoying the blog :-).

    I thought I'd provide you with some (un)helpful quantative analysis, based on '6 gallons of wine'. You were probably exaggerating wildly for dramatic effect, but if somebody really did guzzle 6 gallons of average 12% ABV vino collapso, that would be 327 units of alchohol. Or 23.3 units per day. That's like drinking 11 pints of Lager a day, every day. Probably not as fattening though.

    Nanny state claims that women should drink no more than 14 units a week, and no more than 3 in a day. Nanny state is of course an evil and soulless killjoy, but still...

    More interestingly, I make 6 gallons to be about 37 bottles, You could justify the council giving you your own bottle bank with a turnover of empties like that!

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  3. Ah but,Silicon Implant, we have been away,so some other bugger will have to deal with the empties..WTF are you btw?

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  4. I typed 7 gallons at first but thought that this was just too much so reduced it to six abitrarily.

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  5. Ken, you're an idiot, and tactless. Just set fire to him Luce. It is the only way...

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  6. what an arse. Fuck off Ken... xxx Love yer...

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  7. Thank's Lucy. I was considering abstaining from alcohol for a while but since I don't know how to embroider cushions I now see what a daft idea that was. Try very chilled, sweet white wine with curry - works for me.

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  8. Hardly surprising, Louis, as it was you who first introduced me to the combination of Indian food and Blue Nun, back in the day. :-)

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  9. Back in the day! I love that phrase. Boy nearly 16 and I use it and laugh a great deal.

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  10. Hey Ken, what about telling me how many calories are in six gallons of plonk. Now that WOULD hurt. Love, Bridget Jones. x

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  11. To do that I would have to un-fuck-off first...

    But as I'm always willing to assist, I make that 22,200 calories worth of wine, assuming a roughly even split of red and white, with nothing fortified.

    Apparently you're supposed to need about 2,000 calories a day on average, any more than that and you put weight on, any less and you lose it. 22,200 kcal over 14 days is about 1600 kcal per day. So yo ucan probably have a slice of buttered toast each day with your wine if you want to stay slim. If you hit the sherry, though, nix the toast. But I don't think that a 100% wine based diet is sufficiently nutritious for long term survival, so...

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  12. Oi Ken you bastard, if you could tell me how many calories are in those gadzillions of labour party units then maybe you might scare me. But until then, I remain.... Luce. x

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  13. According to the magic oracle that is the internerd, yer average bottle of vin blanc is about 550 calories a bottle, vin rouge about 650. If you drink fortified wine, that's about 850 calories a bottle...

    So, if you only drink white, you can have jam on your daily slice of toast, if you only drink red then it's no jam and no butter on your slice of toast either, and if you drink only sherry, then it's no toast at all, and in fact you have to go for a daily 5 mile run to burn off the excess calories from the booze...

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  14. PS: I would add that I've no idea whether a human liver gets heavier or lighter when it goes grey and shrivels up - the global information superhighway is silent on this thorny topic. Therefore, my calculations above assume no change either way, so reality may skew the figures...

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  15. Ok well what about beer then? And consider yourself unfuckedoff for the moment. (But on final warning, just because you are so good with maths). I have altered the meds on good advice. And as for toast... who are you kidding?

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  16. Well now, a pint of Stella will deliver 227 calories, whereas proper beer, the kind that has bits in as a feature rather than a bug and has a suggestive name, can give you as many as 440! In other words, you can drink 8 pints of Stella per day without getting fat provided your bladder can cope and you don't, as previously discussed, eat anything. Or you can put away 4 pints of "Old Bishop's Smelly Finger Ale" per day.

    Here are a cople of handy links on the subjects, where you can look up the impact of your own favourite tipple on your bingo wings...

    http://www.nutracheck.co.uk/calories/calories_in_alcohol/calories_in_lager.html

    http://www.nutracheck.co.uk/calories/calories_in_alcohol/calories_in_beer.html

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  17. I have in fact been pointing out that the Lucy Stiles Diet will have to rise by about 600 cals on the food side if the wine intake halves.

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  18. Or she could eat AND drink less... and see what happens. We could have a magic formula here.

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